Friday, April 10, 2009 / 7:28 AM
Weather: Sunny, rained(got drenched, soaking wet), sunny
10th April 2009
Music: -
Disappointment comes, when, you dont hit what you expect.
I dont know who made that saying, but yeah, it's just being heard ever since I was young. Surprisingly i finally got the true taste/meaning of that saying, yesterday.
As you all know, yesterday was the release of our pw results. Anxiety, nervousness, feeling afraid/scared. But when you hear the results, you hear how you performed, thats when either extreme excitement/stoning/major disappointment occurs. Even now, the way how Mr Goh announced our results still give me cringes in my stomach, Im feeling fucking angry/sad.
"Jermain, you got a..."
Jerm: "wait wait, wait for whole group first."
"Jermain, you got a B."
"Lihui, you got a A"
"Khehyang, you got an A"
"May, you got an A"
"Shing Jiuan, you got a B"
i took the papers whereby it contains all of ours comments on OP/WR. walked out of the hall, and like going out to the staircase area and reading out all our individual comments. I was feeling so, lost, its like as though the feeling is starting to set in at that time. My stomach cringed and my heart wrenched. I felt deeply uncomfortable, i felt, sad. Just really sad. If you were me last year, going through the whole hell shit work, putting in like 200% of my efforts, sweat, saliva, typing and whatnots. Contacting debby, making sure the group's all right. You'll get why the heck i feel like this. Thereafter, headed down to under lt1. When i called mum, and told her my results. Broke down. My heart wrenched. It's just, so painful. I dont know how to describe this feeling.
Its like, as though, youve put your sweat and blood into that fucking project. bearing all the fucking irritating attitudes of certain people, having to bear the self centredness of certain people, having to like drive the group into the correct direction, having to do all this, plus band and the heavy workload. And what happens? the results dont show.
HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES, HAS THIS HAPPPENED TO ME IN TJ. ITS COUNTLESS. I REALLY FREAKISHLY FEEL LIKE CRYING. I FEEL LIKE IM A LOSER, MORON, IDIOT. I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT THE HECK WENT WRONG.
after some of my classmates tried to calm me down at the marquee area, our group saw mr kao walking past the walkway from lt1 to the canteen. Our group thanked mr kao. Thereafter, he looked at lihui, then he gazed at me. At that point, i cried a second time, I just didnt know how to react. I just felt so, so, so, angry, so unjust, so unfair. I know that blogging out everything will not change my grade to an A. it wont. it will never occur. but, i dont know how else to feel alr. Mr kao was kindda like, i dont know, just i felt that he felt in a difficult position. He asked me to look forth, look forth and like yeah. He said, What might've attributed to the B grade, is perhaps due to the OP. i really dont know what the heck have gone wrong.
Got home ytd, was really quiet, didnt know what else to do. Showered, had dinner (again a second time), talked on msn a while, and tucked myself into bed. When i hugged my bolster, and tucked up my blanket. That was when i really cried like hell. It just felt so angry/painful/sad. It's been long since i ever cried like this. Yeah in TJ i fell like almost a kazillion times. But this time, it just feels like Ive fallen really bad. Its not just a bruise or just a minor cut. It felt like as though ive shattered all the bones in my leg, and like my whole leg was burning, it was like as though im never ever gonna get a 2nd chance/attempt anymore. Its just a very painful/sad/really painful feeling. Nobody knew that i cried like hell on my bed tucked up in my blanket. Was wailing. The last time i did that, was when grandad passed on. I really dont know what the hell went wrong. Like B. im just feeling so unjust/unfair. If really, you've seen how much ive done/ efforts ive put into that project. You'll know how it feels.
mum today told me that, its the process that matters, its the things that youve learnt that matters. Grade's impt, but that matters more. I know that its impossible to ask you not to be sad, after seeing all the efforts being put in, but at least you enjoyed the process right.
B. I think that its a really high B. close enough to get an A. but not close enough. Wasted the whole good friday away. My whole desk is in a mess, and well, theres a hell lot of homework to do. I guess perhaps tonight, im still gonna cry when i go to sleep. cos, it really hurts.
-jErM
p.s. You know what, even though you got an A. ask yourself how much effort have you actually put into this project. Yeah, its a lot. But just compare it to me, and like, yeah ask yourself. After the results was released, yeah you were damn happy that you got an A. but for once, can you not be so self centred? its like as though you're implying that its not your fault for getting that A? But i dont know. If you were in my shoes now, perhaps you'll understand how i feel. But you know what? I guess you'll never understand how it feels. Sucker.
But you know what? No matter angry i am at myself/ all those whom i feel that dont deserve that grade, Its pointless. cos, the grade is forever gonna accompany me, for the rest of my life.
I dont know how long i'll take to recover from this hard fall. But I know i have to pick myself up somehow. But, for now, i just have to try my best. Its gonna be really hard. I dont know how. But i know i have to. But when i got back my results, I feel that i desperately need to talk someone that i wanted to talk to. But ive got no idea who to talk to. i dont know which teacher to approach/whatsoever. Im just feeling the heck lost. Sighs, B. I guess no matter how much comforting is given, it'll be pointless. Yeah might feel better for that while, but then, the feeling will come back again.
